


Think Happy Thoughts

by raptor_rats



Category: A List of Cages - Robin Roe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:08:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27627254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raptor_rats/pseuds/raptor_rats
Summary: Adam had promised Julian that he wouldn't look at the hard drive. Yet, that one partial clip he had seen, as well as Julian's words, keep replaying in his mind.There's something more, he's almost certain.
Relationships: Adam Blake & Julian Harlow
Comments: 5
Kudos: 6





	Think Happy Thoughts

**Author's Note:**

> READ THE TAGS.
> 
> I typed out several paragraphs for this note, and then made a stupid mistake and lost the whole thing, so I'm just going to go through this quickly.
> 
> It's important to me that I accurately represent trauma and mental illness. If you have any comments or feedback on the way I handled Julian's past and Adam's ADHD, I would absolutely love to hear it and welcome it with open arms!
> 
> This story is focused on the BROTHERLY, PLATONIC relationship between Julien and Adam. If you see something else between them, please get the fuck off of my story. Thanks :)!
> 
> I totally plan to write more between these two, as well as other characters. I crave motherly Emerald caring for Julian more than the air I breathe, so you may want to keep an eye open for that, as well as other content!
> 
> With that out of the way, I really hope you enjoy my story! I read A List of Cages in five hours yesterday, and wrote this in an hour and a half today. If that doesn't show how obsessed I am with the plot and characters, I have no clue what will.
> 
> Please leave some constructive criticism (if you have any) about my writing,character protrayal, or whatever else comes to mind, as well as kudos!

Just holding the flash drive in his hand felt forbidden. It was almost like it was burning his skin just by sitting on the palm of his hand.

Adam had promised Julian he wouldn't watch what was on the drive. Julian had looked so desperate as he begged Adam to not look, and every time Adam went to slide the drive into his computer's USB port, he was reminded of that look. Julian had looked to be ready to cry.

He turned the drive over and over in his hand, as though when he looked at the other side, something new would stand out to him.

There was nothing interesting on the outside. It looked like a normal flash drive, with a black handle and a silver piece to plug into another device.

Adam took a deep breath and moved his hand, trying to not focus on what he was doing, and instead think happy thoughts. Superheroes, Emerald and Charlie and Julian and all of their friends, the party he had gone to last week.

His foot bounced against the carpet at a fast pace, nearly hitting the desk each time his leg shot upwards.

Was he really going to do this? Was he going to go behind his back and betray his trust, just out of curiosity?

No, Adam shook his head and finally pushed the drive into the slot. This was for Julian's safety, not to sate Adam's want for knowledge.

Quickly, a new window appeared on his laptop, and he scanned file after file. The first ones were numbered in order. Following that was a similar situation, except now, the numbers had 'N' in front of them. There were about 14 of these files all combined. Then, after them, there were three with the letter 'S' before the number.

Adam stared. His mind quickly went to what Julian had said, about how he had been naked in some of the videos. But, if that's what 'N' stood for, what was 'S?'

Theories raced through his head. Sleeping, except there was no way Julian could make it through such violence without waking. Spanking, maybe, but the first video he watched had something similar to spanking, so why would it be separated? Sad, but it was in a similar situation as spanking, since Julian had cried in the video he had seen before.

He ran the letter through his head over and over again, trying to think of punishments and harm that Russel could do that began with 'S.'

Adam paused. No, he shook his head desperately, no no no, that's not what that meant.

He doubled clicked on the video and placed one of his earbuds in, waiting for a few moments while it loaded. Then, he was greeted by the sight of Julian, naked, bent over the back of a couch.

Adam's hand was immediately gripping the edge of the desk until his knuckles turned white from the pressure.

Russel stepped into the picture. He brandished nothing this time, unlike in the video Adam and Julian had seen. Julian's uncle lifted his hands, beginning to undo the belt around his own waist, and Adam's heart damn near stopped.

"No," he whispered, but Russel continuing until his belt was off and his slacks unbuttoned.

Adam had been wrong. It did stand for sex, even though that wasn't what this was at all. This was rape, plain and simple.

Adam watched the man take out his genitals. The only thing that got Adam to take his eyes off of the laptpp screen was Julian's cry of pain as he was penetrated.

Adam stared down in horror. For once in his life, he felt still, not squirming or fidgeting or tapping a foot on the ground. He was frozen, listening to the video but unable to look up or move to pause it.

How could somebody do this to another person, let alone a family member?

Julian's sobs filled his head, getting louder and louder each moment the video played.

This was the boy's life for the past five years. How many times had this happened, that Russel hadn't recorded? One time alone was too much.

Adam wanted to hold Julian close and never let go more than ever. He deserved all of the love and protection in the world, and then some. Adam wanted to be the one to give that to his little brother.

Julian was screaming. Over and over, full of agony and terror and anguish.

Finally, Adam was able to reach up and pause the video.

When he looked up, blood was dripping down Julian's thighs. That was all Adam had to see to close the tab and yank the hard drive from the USB port. His laptop was slammed shut quickly afterwards.

Adam didn't have a choice in the matter; this hard drive was going to the police. He had made a mistake when he hadn't reported Julian's injuries when he first witnessed Russel's abuse. Adam refused to make it again.

He tucked the hard drive in his desk drawer, knowing it would have to wait until it wasn't 10 PM. Then, he stood, and began to pace back and forth across the floor.

The thoughts rushing through his head were a jumbled mess that he couldn't get a grasp on. He had rarely felt this way ever since starting his mother's homeopathic treatments, and that made it harder to deal with (which was saying something, considering how difficult it was in the first place).

When he hugged Julian, or tapped his shoulder from behind, or moved him out of the way, was Julian reminded of not only the beatings, but this as well? Was he hurting Julian more than he had ever realized, just by making contact with him? He never wanted to hurt Julian. That was probably one of his worst nightmares, and yet, he could've been doing it all along and never realized it.

Julian was likely to come in soon, as normal. He wasn't good at sleeping on his own, though Adam didn't mind one bit. It worried him, but he was happy to welcome the boy into a space where he felt comfortable and safe.

Adam knew it's worry Julian to walk in on his adoptive brother in such a frantic state, but he couldn't stop the movement.

What would Julian do if Adam asked? Would he get mad at Adam for breaking his promise? Or, arguably worse, break down into tears about the trauma he endured?

Should Adam even ask in the first place? He had never dealt with something like this, and he didn't know what the standard was. Maybe it was none of his business (that sounded very false to him), or maybe it was all of his business and he had to discuss it with Julian.

It couldn't hurt to bring it up, though, right? No, scratch that, it would absolutely put Julian into a state of distress.

He remembered Dr. Whitlock's words: "Sometimes, we need to take on the hard conversations."

She had said it in one of the few times they actually had training sessions. They were discussing what therapy was like, and how the professional should handle themselves.

Was this one of the hard conversations he had to take on? He wished she was here to guide him.

His attention was captured by the twisting of his doorknob, and Adam whipped to face the entrance to his room. As he had expected, Julian was peaking into the room. His eyes had the frightened look that Adam had grown used to seeing.

"Adam?" his voice was as soft as always. "Can I come in?"

"Yeah," Adam sunk on to the edge of his bed. "Come on in," he said, "Come sit with me."

Julian stepped in and pushed the door shut behind him. He had a pillow, a blanket and the stuffed cat Adam had purchased him held tightly in his arms. He dropped the items beside the bed and settled next to Adam.

Julian liked to keep his distance. Before, Adam had just assumed it was his shy and awkward personality. Now, he had another theory forming in his head.

"Julian," Adam began. He paused, unsure of where to go from there.

Julian looked expectantly at the teen beside him. "Yeah?" he asked, unsure if Adam had stopped because he was waiting for a response.

Adam opened his mouth again, and stumbled over his words for a moment. "Julian," he eventually repeated, "Do you know what rape is?"

He knew it was a stupid question, but it was all that came to mind. Surely Julian was aware of what it was, considering how common it was in their society. He just wasn't sure where else to go.

Julian's eyes widened in a fearful, yet knowing way. "Yes," his voice was meeker than usual, "Why?"

Adam averted his gaze to the drawer the flash drive was hidden away in. He remained silent.

"You saw it, didn't you?" Julian said, his voice wobbling with unshed tears.

Adam nodded slowly. "I'm sorry."

Julian looked away. He didn't want Adam to see as the tears broke free. Adam could tell from the way his shoulders shook, though.

"Julian," he had to restrain himself from reaching out and touching him, "Talk to me."

Julian shook his head, despite the words beginning to pour out of his mouth. "I didn't want you to see," he hiccuped, "I didn't want you to see me at my weakest point."

Adam stared for a few long moments. "May I touch you?" he asked.

Julian didn't hesitate to crawl into his older brother's arms, sobbing now.

"Maybe that was your weakest point, I don't know," Adam said as he rubbed his back. He wasn't great with words, but he was trying his hardest. "But I'm not going to judge you for it. The situation was out of your control. He's, like, three times your size."

Julian shrugged, continuing to weep.

"But even if he wasn't," Adam continued on, "It's not your fault, okay?"

Another shrug from the younger boy.

"Do you wanna lay down? You can sleep in my bed tonight, and I'll take the floor."

Julian shook his head. Adam was about to speak again, when Julian's voice stopped him. "I'd rather share," he mumbled, his voice muffled by Adam's chest, where his face was buried. "I wanna be close to somebody, please. I feel safer when I'm close to somebody. Can we share?"

"Of course," Adam held him a bit tighter. "You're safe with me, I promise."

Julian hiccuped again as Adam laid back, with Julian still held against his chest as the two laid on their sides.

"What are you gonna do, now that you've seen?" Julian asked. He sounded ashamed, but Adam wasn't sure what else to say to reassure him.

"I've gotta turn it in, Julian," he said as he pet the boy's hair.

Julian nodded, as though he expected no other answer.

Adam sighed. "I'm sorry, it's okay if you're mad at me."

"I wanna be," Julian admitted, "But it's hard when I know you just wanna look after me."

"That's all I've wanted since I first saw you again," he nodded. "You're the little brother I've never had, and I couldn't ask for anybody better."

"You really think so?" Julian looked up, his eyes shimmering with more tears.

Adam nodded. "Of course."

Julian buried his face back into Adam's chest. "You're the best older brother I could ever have," he said.

The words had Adam about to shed tears of his own. "Thank you, bud," he murmured. "Now get some sleep, I'm sure you must be tired."

Julian nodded, going silent. It was barely five minutes before Adam felt the tension in Julian's body finally release.

Adam realized, after a few minutes of just pondering things, that Julien had fallen asleep without the stuffed cat, which he always seemed to need when going to bed. He smiled softly. Perhaps he made a better cuddle buddy than a plushie.

He closed his eyes. Things weren't the best now, and he knew they wouldn't be for a while, but he made a promise then and there that he would ride the ups and downs right alongside Julian. Though, he had already been planning that before.

**Author's Note:**

> Remember, if you hope to see more A List of Cages content, I hope to publish more in the near future, and you should consider hitting the follow button! (Is it follow on AO3? I'm not sure, I haven't followed too many people...)


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